Heddens Introduces “Masturbatory Emissions” Amendment to Abortion Ban Bill

The proposal would fine men $100 who beat off for non-procreative purposes

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On Monday, state Rep. Lisa Heddens, D-Ames, along with her Democratic colleague Bruce Hunter of Des Moines, introduced a tongue-in-cheek “Man’s Right to Know Act” amendment to a GOP bill that would ban abortions after the 20th week of pregnancy.

The amendment has also been introduced in Texas and mocks controversial Woman’s Right to Know Acts passed by conservative lawmakers in several states that require women to be told information about alternatives to abortion and subjected to invasive and humiliating exams before undergoing the procedure in an effort to deter them from doing so.

Heddens’ amendment includes stipulations requiring the state Department of Public Health to distribute educational booklets with information for men seeking elective vasectomy or colonoscopy procedures or erectile dysfunction services that include an “artistic illustration of each procedure.” It also includes protections for physicians who refuse to perform vasectomies or dole out boner pills because of their religious beliefs.

The amendment would also hit men with a $100 fine each time they produced “masturbatory emissions” for non-procreative purposes “outside of a health or medical facility registered with the department of public health.” Chronic masturbaters would be considered guilty of committing an “act against an unborn child” and failing “to preserve the sanctity of life” for each offense. If someone were to walk in on a man choking his chicken, they could take him to court under the proposal and, if they prevail, force him to fork over $5,000 to a Department of Public Health family planning fund.

For men who can’t get their desires under control, the amendment would also provide assistance for them through hospitals and nonprofits they could visit to ensure that their jizz would be safely preserved for future procreative use.

The 20-week abortion ban bill, which was passed by the state Senate March 14 by a 32-17 vote, is being debated on the House floor this evening, where Hunter just quoted the song “Every Sperm Is Sacred” from Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life. A significantly more restrictive personhood bill that would have defined a human life as beginning at the moment of conception died in a Senate committee last month.

Heddens’ fellow Ames Democrat in the House, Beth Wessel-Kroeschell, has also introduced several amendments to the bill intended to ensure continued contraceptive access; exceptions for rape, incest, and the life of the mother; and protection against penalties for accidental termination of a fetus.

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Gavin Aronsen is an editor and reporter for and founding member of the Iowa Informer. He previously worked as a city reporter for the Ames Tribune, research assistant to investigative journalist Wayne Barrett at the Village Voice, and in various roles at Mother Jones, where his work contributed to a National Magazine Award nomination for the magazine's digital media coverage of the Occupy Wall Street movement. Email: garonsen [at] iowainformer [dot] com.
  • heidi jo bean

    Good for them! Smack back at the GOP’s War on Women!

  • John Anderson

    What the fuck is wrong with this country? This has got to be a joke.

  • John Anderson

    Ok, so Lisa Heddens has introduced this amendment to have men realize the restrictiveness of ant-abortion laws on women. But it doesn’t make sense because when a woman masturbates she doesn’t get pregnant. Unless I missed a day in sex ed class in high school, this logic fails to make any sense.

  • Quinn FTW

    This might be the single greatest piece of legislation of all time.

  • Jeremy

    You are missing the fact that a woman’s egg does not die in female masturbation. But the sperm will die when a male masturbates and it is not preserved for future procreation.

  • Valetina

    Whoosh!

  • Wayne Hansen

    LOL

  • Bridget Roepke

    That’s the point. The fact that you think this is ridiculous should show you how absurd the “Women’s Right to Know” legislation is.

  • Wesley Planthaber

    Bridget. What I see is plain silly from both sides. Now in full disclosure I am a very hard Libertarian. What I believe is it doesn’t matter what I think I am not involved. If you can live with yourself and you feel it is the right choice then have the abortion. I have no right (nor does anyone else not involved by circumstance or your permission) to an opinion on the matter. But if you want money from public funds that is getting everyone involved that put money in the kitty (sorry for wording no pun intended) by your request. From a Libertarians stand point you do what works for you and you live with and deal with the consequences of that choice it is no one else’s business. If you ask for their help either emotionally or financially you have to endure every stupid idea and concept that comes with it. Also in full disclosure I believe that all public funding for abortions should be terminated, but I think the states have the right to fund if the citizens of the state agree (this is by electing local leaders) and even though I personally feel abortions are wrong I donate to planned parenthood to help with them. My wife and my thought process is that most pro-life people look at it at a pure academic issue and it isn’t. You cannot tell a woman (or even young girl) that is already pregnant “Don’t get pregnant” sorry the world don’t work like that. The other thing I ask a pro-life person is how many children are you adopting today? It makes me totally heart sick to think that a life is ended by choice before it even really starts, but it scares me even more to think what that life might be like in a situation where a reasonable person can make that choice. Sorry for the long post, but it is a very hard and emotional subject. My heart and prayers goes out to anyone who faces this choice.

  • Richard Cox

    Hilarious. Love it.

  • ReligionIsPoison

    Shut the fuck up, Johnny! You’re out of your element.

  • Jara Matthews

    i like that she did this, but i must say, i have no qualms with a 20 week abortion ban.
    Thats FIVE MONTHS PREGNANT.
    SHOWING.
    I do not find it offensive to women to say you cannot abort after 20 weeks.

  • TaraGuanci

    Uhm… Most pregnancies have their first ultrasound around 20 weeks, so they won’t find any abnormalities in the fetus until that point. Then you have to process the information and decide from there what your options are. Get some information before you judge the “when” time frame.

  • gcschm12

    A 20 week ban would have meant I would have a dead daughter. At 23 weeks, she started to miscarry because of placenta previa. Her child was delivered via c-section, but did not survive. According to the hospital I had to transfer her from, that was an abortion. She nearly died anyway.

  • James Dean

    I’ll jack off in your mouth and call you a sperm bank, fucking morons.

  • Chandra M. Jordan

    I do. What fucking business is it of yours what they do?

  • ROMY KARENINA

    I am for abortion at any cycle if that is what the woman wants or needs. Nobody has the right to tell her otherise, since she will be the caret taker,i If republicans want to adopt all unwanted babies and care and pay for them themselves..and put them through college, .well then make a law that says so!

  • ROMY KARENINA

    and by the way, I would not keep a fetus if I’m told it is defective and i should have the choice to abort and avoid a life time of misery for mother and child alike.I know some people will say its a blessing,,,,ok, just let each person decide that on thieir own its not a blessing for me and republicans are not happy to provide help and services for the disabled
    .